After about age 23, the desire to go to mixers, minglers, soc-hops, and clambakes gets a little old. How often do we love to hear, “oh, come meet my friend!”? The interior response: “I have enough of those, thank you.”
Nothing quite like waking up at 6 a.m., putting on some Nikes, and jogging eight miles along the frozen banks of the lake, watching the sun come up to make your breath crystals glow…for 1 percent of the world’s population! In fact, there’s nothing quite like your heart slamming against your tightened lungs, the cramp in your side, the pebble stuck in your shoe. Happy trails!
“My book got published by Random House!” proclaims your lazy, horrible-at-prose writer friend. “I’ve just won Best Charity of 2035!” announces your rich-kid, spoiled, pretentious cousin. I mean, can you imagine being Meryl Streep’s best friend? Grumble!!
When you’re in your jammies and your friend calls, bawling about their boyfriend being 10 minutes late for dinner, imploring: “please, give me some advice,” it’s enough to make your eyes roll out of your head. However, you’re bound for life. Tell her that he’s the biggest jerk on the planet, that him being 10 minutes late is like having three secret wives, and that everything she does is utterly perfect.
Just stop smiling dammit!!!!! Don’t you know there’s bombs dropping, dogs crying, children barking, taxes owing, and the liquor store doesn’t open ’til noon?! No, your incessant cheerfulness despite all obstacles isn’t admirable.
Hang out with Cindy, talk about Stacey. Hang out with Jimmy, talk about Mikey. Then do it in reverse the next day! Call it “aggressive observation of someone you care about,” if it makes you feel better, but gossiping is a part of life’s social fabric. It sucks when someone tells you, “I think it’s unhealthy to gossip.” Yeah, tell me which kickboxing class you attend, then!
They’re very cute, yes. And sometimes, it’s even fun to play with them. But you know those parties that start at 1 in the afternoon and end at 6 in the evening where everyone’s just staring at the funny things their kids do? Pass the Jim Beam!!
Foregoing the double cheeseburger with dripping gouda cheese and french fries slathered in gravy is so easy when instead you can have red quinoa mixed with balsamic carrot shavings and zest of lemon. Am I correct?
Politics. They go beyond the circus of presidents, cabinets, and policies. Sometimes we get heated over opposing viewpoints, but it’s all in the name of healthy social and philosophical balance, right? Not! I’d rather shove hot pokers up my nose than consider your totally wrong, detrimental, and uneducated opinions, thanks!
Sorry, but isn’t going up with an empty paper plate to a table full of delightful edible spreads just the most awkward thing in the world? Especially when other people are around? Then trying to find the tongs, the grabbing with the tongs, the passing of the tongs to the person who refuses them, the weird little conversation with strangers about the food (“Oh that looks great!” “Second helping?”).
Wealthy people usually feel the need to walk or run in charity-related walks to show that they’re “just like everybody else” and “not afraid to get their feet dirty.” When really, they probably wish they could just send a check to the charity, and spend their Sunday watching Netflix instead of getting blisters.
It’s supposed to be a big honor to be asked to give a talk at a university or center about one’s expertise. But rich people have spent so many years thinking and talking about how they made their money; they’d probably rather just enjoy it now than keep talking about it.
When you’re wealthy, you usually have plenty of eyes on you. You have to appear calm, collected, rational and of course diplomatic. Diplomacy has to appear like it comes naturally to you. But, in reality, rich people (just like all people) want to yell obscenities at people who are rude to them.
Rich people are expected to appreciate the subtleties of a foie gras, or the way a fig reduction brings out the sweetness of venison. But do you like eating food that fancy every day? Probably not. And rich people, like everybody, probably prefer simple comfort foods like grilled cheese sandwiches and pasta.
Rich people have to always be on their toes, ready to talk business and passionate about their line of work. But even if you’re passionate about your job, don’t you at the end of the day just want to talk about funny YouTube videos and Internet memes? Of course! And rich people want to give their minds a break, too.
It might feel risky to go to party resorts, where everyone is taking tequila shots and dancing by a pool, when you have a lot of money. Rich people probably feel like they have to go to the quiet, more private resort because it’s expected of them. But they probably enjoy a raging party just like the next person.
The opera, museums, performance art, exhibits of rare silk—rich people are supposed to appreciate these things. But come on; nobody finds that that invigorating! Even when they are highly educated, rich people probably would rather spend their free time watching the most recent Judd Apatow movie than listening to someone sing in a language they don’t understand.
